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Now I know what you’re thinking…

“Do Louis Vuitton make real fur baby-gros?” Ok so that’s not what you’re thinking, that’s probably what Kim Kardashian is thinking right now. What you’re thinking is: “why the hell, if you don’t care, are you blogging about this? You festering pile of hypocrisy!” Well, you’re right. There is a certain amount of hypocrisy involved at work here but like most “celebrity” “news”, this story is like a Mosquito bite. I know I should ignore it, I hope that it will go away if I do. Unfortunately, like a mosquito bite, it’s so irritating that its very existence makes me want to scratch my skin off.

So why, I hear you groan before wishing you’d never asked, are you so annoyed by it?

Well for a start, the attention some news outlets are giving this story is nothing short of astounding (I’m not naming names, mainly because they’re all bloody doing it). It’s genuinely a little unsettling to think that “woman conceives child with man” is considered by some as important a story, nay, MORE important a story than 60,000 dead Syrians (I suppose because Bashar al-Assad never produced a Foxy Brown record).

Secondly, because it’s resulted in the name Kimye. Kimye, for anyone not blessed with either a brain or access to TV, a radio, the internet or magazines, is a portmanteau that mixes the mother’s name Kim with the father’s name Kanye. You may well have seen this sort of hilarious neologism used on other “supercouples” such as Brangelina and Braniston, or indeed any other relationship involving Brad Pitt. Not that I’m suggesting Brad Pitt is some sort of parasite that forms a symbiotic bond with any woman he dates. And anyway, he was great in Fight Club. At any rate these morphed couple names make me want to “gavomit”.

Thirdly, it’s just another example of this insipid supposed celebrity culture that we’re all supposed to care about because it’s a great distraction from all the other massive problems we’re currently ignoring. At least the Ancient Romans got Russell Crowe punching a Tiger to keep them busy while their society was sliding ever further down the proverbial Kraphole.

It also just serves to highlight how fickle people with celebrity-itis are. Apparently some of Kardashian’s Twitter minions were appalled that she tweeted about the beauty products she’s releasing this year. Let’s look at the facts here. We have the socialite daughter of OJ Simpson’s celebrity lawyer who got famous by having sex on camera, hawking merchandise when she maybe should be focusing on her pregnancy? I refuse to believe it! Especially when I’m still getting over finding out that the bloke in the pointy hat is, despite much evidence to the contrary, a Catholic.

To be fair to Kim though, the only thing more stupid than people being surprised about her corporate-whoring is people being angry about it. I’m no Doctor but I don’t think you have to drop whatever you’re doing as soon as you find out there’s a bun in your oven. Although it would be a great excuse to get a bit of extra maternity leave. “I’m sorry sir, I would email those files to Jenkins in accounts, but my doctor has advised me against heavy lifting and all forms of strenuous digital communication”.

We also shouldn’t forget that the father of the baby is noted rapper and awards show interrupter Kanye West. A man who once told an interviewer he has no respect for books and doesn’t read them, but who believes that if the Bible we written today, he’d be in it. A man who’s head is so big that while his mouth was performing “N***as in Paris”, IN Paris, his left ear was in a Burger King in Manhattan and his right ear was listening to his entourage tell him how great he is in the Tokyo Apple Store.

Don’t get me wrong here. I bear Kanyim no real ill will, well except for the whole “shutter shades” thing. I hope they have a healthy, happy child who grows up to be shoehorned into a remake of a much loved movie franchise that was only made to force a career for them (I’m looking at you, Smith). I just don’t want to HEAR about it. The only celebrity baby I’ve ever been interested in was Schwarzenvito’s and even that was only because Blockbuster had run out of Die Hard 2 DVDs.

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