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As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m what could be termed a “grumpy young man”. This unfortunate state of affairs means I regularly subject myself to trips to night clubs but rarely enjoy them. There’s several reasons why this may happen: warm, flat lager, being accused of looking at someone’s “bird”, hen nights and so forth. These are relatively rare occurrences though and vary from club to club.

This would be my ideal club...

This would be my ideal club…

There are however, some things that are universal and all too common. from chain clubs that deal in House music and fake tan all the way through to Goth-infested alterna-clubs (I actually get along very well with Goths, although I do find them a little cheery). They are certain types of people and they come from every walk of life. Here’s my guide to the night club nightmares:

  • The Queue Jumper

This can be one of two kinds of people, in fact two of the most common: man and woman. The male Jumper tends to have lots of friends with him and is often accompanied by chants of “banter” (see previous post) and found to be drinking a beverage that would be better to suited to children if it were not hazardous to their health (not because of the miniscule alcoholic content but because of all the glow-in-the-dark chemicals). The male pusher-in will, quite literally, push his luck and see how many people he can move out of the way in order to get to the bar first  because otherwise he’ll “like bang them out, yeah?”

The female Jumper tends to almost do the opposite, they’ll weasel their way in to the front either by pretending that everyone else in the queue doesn’t exist at all or by using a look of utter meekness. They do this because they believe their inherent feminine charm will carry them to glorious vodka and coke fuelled victory. What they never realise is that beer will always be more charming.

  • The Order Stacker

This happens when people buy drinks in rounds, I don’t mean the kind of round where one person pays for the whole thing (I know plenty of people who’ve NEVER done that). I mean the kind where everyone in the group thrusts their change at one unlucky delegate and sends them to the bar to get all the drinks and passes them back. I have no problem with this, if anything it saves everyone time and queuing.

There is, however, a special circle of hell reserved for people who add to the order WHILE they’re waiting and a circle within that circle (filled with Nazi Pain-spiders) for people who add to it while they’re being served. I got stuck behind a bloke once who seemed to be there with the population of a small country who kept getting him to add to the order that was already in progress and only doing so after the barman had provided the previous (and what we all assumed would be last) item. In my mind I was subjecting them to what I can only describe as a mixture of Saw VI and the process used to create Pepperami.

  • The Hat Stealer

This guy is a particularly odious individual. Say you “roll up in da club” sporting your latest item of trendy headgear, you’ve consciously made the decision often, to wear the hat. There’s a couple of factors in play here. Firstly, you probably have hat hair, which is at worst, flat and completely without style and at worst a greasy birds nest that wouldn’t even be considered a delicacy in China (seriously, it’s soup made out of bird spit…).

The second thing to consider is, the hat is your property and an item of clothing. It’s apparently a huge joke to remove the hat from somebody’s head and dick about with it like a monkey that stolen a child’s ice cream, but if one of these imbeciles did it with any other item of clothing they’d be either knocked out for going way beyond the boundary of acceptability or locked up for being dangerously unbalanced. Imagine if you were in a club and somebody you’d never met stole your socks and started wearing them, or if three ladies started playing keep-away with your trousers, actually that has happened to me on more than one occasion but hell, they’re only human…

  • The Bar Waver

There’s not much to say about this, other than “has this ever, in human history, worked?” Has any bartender ever seen this guy/girl/Homunculus waving their hand or money at them in a sea of people and thought, “wow this guy/girl/Homunculus must really need a drink, probably more than the rest of these customers, I better serve him/her/it first”? No, they haven’t, and not just because Homunculi are not very common in night clubs (although if they were, they wouldn’t be able to see over the bar, so waving would actually be their only option). I imagine what bartenders actually think is “Wow, you totally think you’re special, you can just wait, chump”.

  • The Toilet Attendant

These guys, jeez… I do not begrudge them trying to earn a living at all and actually it must require some sort of superhuman odour blocking ability to stand in your average men’s club toilet for several hours. (The Amazing Non-smeller would be a rubbish crime-fighter though). But I refuse to pay you to wash my hands, that is, I refuse to pay you to allow me to wash my own damn hands.

And that’s saying nothing of the incredibly sexist (although admittedly amusing) slogans that spew forth from the mouth of these guys like a hooligan at the Misogyny World Championship second round semi-final.

Would people miss them if they weren’t there? Has anyone ever gone into a club toilet and been distressed at the lack of toilet attendant because now he has to face the other clientele with “no spray” which will inevitably lead to him receiving “no lay” (and that’s the most acceptable one I could have used).

  • The Groper

These people are one of the less aggravating people on this list but still definitely deserving of a mention. The ones who in trying to squeeze their way through an overcrowded club (past the fire-safety inspector having a panic attack), insist on stroking, groping and sexually assaulting every one on the way past. If you’re one of these people I can only give you this advice, if I can move out of your way, when you tap me on the shoulder or ask me to move, I will. If I can’t then putting your hand on my back is going to achieve the same as trying to turn water into a Barcardi Breezer, which is to say nothing, except being surrounded by people who A, think you’re a dick and B, wonder why you bothered trying in the first place.

These gropers however are not to be confused with the other type who I’m told by reliable female sources exists and do not deserve to be made the subject of light-hearted jokes but rather deserve a case of Anthrax and a full body massage from an angry Gorilla.

  • the Onesie Guy

What can I say about this clown? Except that the first 129,000 people who wore a Onesie to a club were considered “hilarious” (allegedly), you however just look like an adult twat in a baby-gro… In public.

He looks like this, except watching him cry would make me happy

He looks like this, except watching him cry would make me happy

So there you have it. 7 contemptible individuals who the world would definitely be better off without. If you know one of these people, for your own sake, ditch them as soon as the pre-drinking is over, they’re making you look bad. And if you ARE one of these people, please stay at home, sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done. You’re spoiling it for everyone, it’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye… And dont run with scissors.